The focus of my life…

Is Madam, plain and simple.tumblr_nkpeg8gP8I1t0k6q7o1_1280


Very Quick Change of Plan!

The plan was that Mistress Alice and her submissive would have another week and a bit of play prior to becoming Mick and Alice and head off to the Tyrol on holiday for a week, this would be followed by us being visited by Family over a fortnight and then Mistress Alice, Master John and sissy billie going to the south coast for a few days over the August Bank Holiday.

well real life (the vanilla bit anyway) has intervened and tomorrow afternoon we while have one of our nieces arrive to stay with her Aunt Alice and Uncle Mick, so we have been making the house vanilla proof.

we have 2 nieces and we think the world of them, we spent two years looking after them when they were toddlers due to their mother (Alice’s sister) having cancer treatment, so while we make it clear to the family that we want out privacy and space from the family it is hard to refuse someone that you almost look upon as a daughter.

so Madam and submissive will have a last session this evening and sissy will wake Madam with her customary oral worship before billie becomes Mick for the day and he welcomes the early arrival of one of their favourite elements of the family.

That’s the way things go when the outside world steps into your carefully constructed world of D/s.

The plan is that while we have visitors we will try and put very short posts up on the blog, these may be very short updates or they just be pictures with a short comment –  either way I will try and keep posts coming, mainly as I don’t want another paddling like the one that I received for my earlier tardy posting behaviour.

hopefully see you on the other side of the Vanilla bit!

Punishment Night – Follow Up

So last night I presented myself in Madam’s Study at 8pm, dressed in French Maids uniform and clutching my misdemeanour book for Mistress Alice’s review.

Once sat in the chair and a verbal rebuke for slouching and to sit up straight. Madam’s and my book were looked at.

My performance report for the week was grade as “fair to good” with a merit awarded for one of the meals that I cooked during the week but there needed to more effort in the coming weeks in domestic cleaning ready for a visit by some family members in August.  All fully understood.

I received a verbal rebuke for the 2 pairs of stockings that had been snagged and 12 strokes with the paddle for accumulated minor failings and then 6 of the cane for being late with a curtsey on entering a room that had Master and Mistress in last weekend.

The last punishment was a Deferred Master punishment – an over the knee spanking of 40 slaps of my bare bottom.  This was for being tardy with getting changed from Mick to sissy billie last Sunday evening so that I could be ready to serve Madam and her Boyfriend their Sunday Dinner.

Master will arrive this evening, around 6pm, and my guess would be that they will hold the punishment until early Saturday evening when I’ll be spanked prior to having to drive Master and Mistress out for their Evening.  This would be done to humiliate me and to remind me that Master is the Alpha Male in the house and that he will be Entertaining my wife for the evening.  it will also give me a warm & sore reminder as I sit in the driving seat of the car, as their sissy chauffeur,  taking them to the Pub or Restaurant of their choice.  My red bottom will keep me company for the evening until I am called to collect them.

and such was the results of this weeks Discipline Review ( the cane marks will go by Sunday…..)


Thursday Night – Punishment Night

It is Thursday and as previously mentioned Madam holds what she call her “Correction Session” or “Discipline Review”. This is normally done at 8pm and in the Study, (we have an old Victorian house that had been part of a local Estate and probably had been built for one of the Estate Managers).

As a rule the Study is off limits to me other than to clean it twice a week, Monday and Thursday mornings, Madam does use it as a working area when she has to work from home but she also uses it as her quiet room. It has an old fashioned desk but with a modern leather office chair. The room also has a pair of leather wing back chairs each with a small side table, the type that one would place a whisky tumbler or Brandy glass on. There is one item that is slightly out of place in the room and that is an old plain dining chair, this is the punishment chair.

As a rule I will be told what I will be required to wear for my Discipline Review, this may relate to what I will be required to do after my Review. It could be one of my maids uniforms, my Secretary suit or what is basically a variation on the school girl outfit – short plaid skirt, white blouse, stockings etc. If I will be in the school girl outfit then I know it will be a difficult review and probably painful.


Mistress will be seated in her chair behind the desk and at 8pm I will knock and wait to be called into the room. I will curtsy and be directed to sit in the punishment chair which will be in front of the desk. This will be suffiently back from the desk so that I will be in full view of Madam and also so that will feel isolated in the room.

Madam will ask me to present my “misdemeanour book”, this is a small hard backed note book that I must record any mistakes or infractions that may have occurred over the last week, such as snagged stockings, lack of attention, delays in sticking to my schedule, not paying correct complements to Mistress, Master or any Females etc. Basically I must record anything that I feel appropriate that I should be corrected or “helped” to improve my attitude or behaviour.

Mistress also has a note book that she records her (and Masters) noted failures on my part. These tend to me more serious infractions. Madams book will also include merit points as well, things that I have done well and where I should be commended.

Madam will review all of the entries and will allocate the following against each:

Dismissed (either it is a trivial matter or my Merit points cancel a punishment)
A verbal admonishment
Written correcting lines (in sets of 50)
Hand spanking
Cane/ Riding Crop
Mistress’s Deferred punishment
Master’s Deferred Punishment

A deferred punishment is basically any of the other punishments that are delayed until the weekend and when Master is in attendance. With a Mistress Deferred Punishment it could be a Paddling punishment which would be administered by Mistress but in front of Master, normally as he sits in one of the leather chairs enjoying a Drink of his choice and watches my humiliation at the hand of my Madam.

A Master’s deferred Punishment is very similar; the difference is that Mistress watches as Master delivers the punishment.


With the exception of a deferred punishment and lines, All are delivered at the review in the Study. Once Mistress has decided on what the punishment will be (and it could be a combination of punishments) I am required to stand up and either bend over the back of the chair and grip the seat front or kneel on the seat and hold on to the chair back. Once in position it is my responsibility to pull my panties down and humbly request my correction.

Madam will administer the punishment at the pace that she is comfortable with (arms do get tired) and in a manner that is appropriate to impart pain and learning but not to damage – a very light spanking or light flogging to warm and prepare the skin is appropriate before launching into a correction. After each allocation of punishment I will be require to thank Madam for her punishment gift to me and to thank her for her efforts to correct me and to make me a better submissive.

If I have been given lines then I am required to have them completed by 10am on the following Monday, I should leave the neatly on the study desk after I have cleaned the room and they will be reviewed by Madam on Thursday evening prior to my arrival at 8pm for my next Discipline Review.

It all sound very harsh but it does actually relieve stress and frustration between the two of us. The stress of the working week is reduced, Madam finds that it excites her (I’m aware of it as I often have to provide oral service immediately after my punishment ) and the punishment, shame and humiliation is actually a turn on and buzz for me – I don’t crave it – when you get 12 of the cane it hurts but it also does so much more, it’s all about the endorphins apparently.


Either way Punishment Night and my Discipline Reviews are an important part of our week, and it helps is may different ways. It’s not for everyone but it works for us.

Stocking Wearing

When we started to move towards the FLR lifestyle Mistress Alice set a number of basic rules. We both realised that because I was bringing the Alpha Arsehole from my work place back into the home that we needed to create the situation that the only Alpha in the House would be Madam (and later her boyfriend).

So it was decided that I would be required to dress in female attire at all times when at home and to wear female underwear at all times – home or away. As part of that Madam felt that one of the most unmasculine items of lingerie was stockings and suspenders. So the rule became that I must always wear stockings, even when sleeping.

The ideal is to have stockings that require suspenders to hold them up, although at times I have worn hold ups, but Madam prefers the way my chastity is “framed” when she see it with 2 suspenders running either side holding up my stockings. Madam is also clear that panties must be worn over the top of suspenders, never under them – what is the point of doing otherwise?


From my point of view, she is right (of course and as always). You cannot get away from the feeling of the tug of the suspenders as you walk around, whether is skirts or trousers and in my mind I am constantly reminded that an Alpha Male would not wear such items.

The other aspect is particular to when I’m wearing male attire. I’ve been wearing stockings and suspenders of one sort or another full time for the last 14 years (and on and off for the year previous) so I should be comfortable with wearing them but every time I am out in male outer wear I become self-conscious that I’m wearing them and will anyone notice? I still get that humiliation and worry that as I sit in meetings and the material on my trousers tighten over my thigh will someone notice the slight bump that is the suspender clip – will the secretary that is sat note taking next to me recognise the little telltale lump. It’s such a small thing but it almost feels that screams in the room “look! There is a sissy wearing stockings in the room!”

It also means that the submissive in me becomes more to the fore, particular when I deal with business support staff – Secretaries, admin and IT support staff – I’m not the arse that I once was and I am very conscious to be pleasant and courteous with them, I can still be a hardnose twat with Contractors and Contract Managers.

My own self humiliation factor and internal shaming always makes me wonder if the friendly smile from a female staff member is because I’ve been a pleasant person or because she has noticed my little tell tales and she knows that really I’m a Beta Submissive?

The mind and self-guilt can have a significant effect on an individual but it all helps to keep me in check even after all these years.

One of the things that I have learned over the years that there are stockings for different occasions and different times of the day.

As day and working wear I tend to wear Barely Black stockings from Debenhams, they come in a 3 pack and they are pretty good for day to day use. They also come in bronze. They are good for wearing for the day and then need to be washed and dried, if you wear them 2 days on the trot they become stretched and slightly saggy at the welt (and nobody likes a saggy welt!)

However my personal favourites (Oh Check me out!) for working wear are Charnos black plain top stockings that come in a twin pack. These have a great colour and feel with a nice deep welt – Madam loves to see the contrast from stocking nylon to dark welt to white thigh flesh. These hold their shape really well and grip the top of the leg and allow the suspender clip to grip better.


The one type of stocking that we don’t have is Fishnets, Madam isn’t a fan of them, on herself and on her submissive, the nearest that we have is a couple of body stockings that have some mesh/ lace parts to them.

Tights are another no no in this relationship, the only time that they do get worn is as part of a work out/ exercise outfit – I have an fitness programme that involves different activities of which 2 times a week I have to do a set of floor exercises and stretches (press ups, sit ups, squats, lunges etc) and I have an outfit that consist of a firm shapewear body suit and black 60 denier tights , combined with a set of 1” heel ankle boots. Other than that neither of us wear tights.

Evening wear and non domestic work stockings tend to be black with a sheen and smoother to the touch. I have several Fully fashioned stockings and good quality nylons. These tend to come out when I am required for more formal service such as on the weekend evenings.

So as you can see there is quite a bit to the wearing of stockings and me as a submissive, I’m sure that we will come back to again and again with the blog.

I am Submissive – Its a Life Saver.

Mistress has spent the day working in London today and is going out for some food with friends and won’t be back until later, so I’ve I have time to add to the posts for today.

Now I’m male (well just?!) and as part of our FLR the aim is to ensure that I am reminded of my submissive position in the relationship and that I am Madam’s submissive sissy cuckold.  The aim is not to turn me into a Female, it is to use limited feminisation and humiliation to reinforce my position as the beta sissy male I am.

Now I’ll be honest, I am a beta sissy male at home and for Mistress and our small but very select group of partners and friends who are aware of our lifestyle, but at work I was a complete Bastard, when dealing with contracts you have to be and it was killing me.  With a Angry Alpha and a closet frustrated Alpha Female combined in a relationship there was so much frustration and tension that while the marriage was near breaking strain.  Thankfully (?) my breakdown happened first and we were able to sort things out, and probably for the first time in our marriage we were really honest with each other.

It took about a year for us to work things through and for me to change my work arrangements, with help from Madam, family (on the vanilla side) and also some very good people in the mental health community.

Mistress Alice changed as well and with me taking on a reduced work load and the domestic role she could channel some of her frustrated ambitions into her work (and promotions) and she could develop her dominant side to become the wonderful Mistress that she is today.

While some may look at this blog and view our relationship and thinks “what the F@#K are you doing, why are you still there you pussy whipped pansy.” Those that know and understand will realise that often the submissive is the lucky one, as the Dominant loves and cares for the submissive by accommodating the others need to submit and serve.  I am very fortunate, I have a very special Mistress, that I love and is the focus of my life – I am fortunate to no longer be the slave and submissive to the work that came close to making me lose my sanity and the love of my life.

So with that in mind – I am Mistress Alice’s submissive sissy billie and I need and crave her dominance –  it is literally a life saver.

Early Wednesday Start

Mistress Alice had an early start today as she has to go into London for a meeting, so her sissy spent the night in the maids room so that Madam could get an early night without being disturbed.

This isn’t unusual when Madam wants to have quiet night in her bed, and it is the normal practice when Master John is staying over.

The other thing that is normal is that Madam requires a morning wake up “call”, and even with the early start I’m required to provide, like a very good submissive Husband.

Mistress seems to enjoy having her day started with a gentle wake up of her slaves light kisses and tongue work.  I know when Madam is fully awake as Madam will either allow me more access to wonderful sex or apply some gentle pressure to the back of my head as encouragement for me carry on.


And the people at Mistress’s work wonder why she arrives at work with a smile on her face.

Dress Rules

As with most things in our lives and with this being a FLR there are rules and rules must be complied with.

I work from home with my own business – having come out of the Stressful Shit Storm that was Construction Industry Contracts and I now do consultancy at my pace and in the quantity that I need to – It means that I spend the first part of the morning in my Maid role – getting breakfast ready for Mistress (and Master if he has stayed over), laying out Madams clothes for the day and helping her dress.  once she goes to work then I go about domestic duties such as making beds, laundry, hovering and dusting.

Normally about 10am I’m done and then go and shower and change into my working clothes for going to my office.  These normally consist of Stockings (always) and foundation wear – either longline bra and open bottom girdle or a corselette  and suitable panties to match- a shirt and a pair of trousers/ slacks ( often of female cut) and a suit jacket or blazer.

The main reason for this type of outfit is that I’m occasionally contacted by a client and we often use Skype for video conference calls so the upper body illusion normally works.

My office is at the back of the house and just outside the garden, as we live in the countryside and with the nearest neighbour half a mile away with no line of sight I can come and go with no issue, which is convenient particularly at the moment.

Madam has a rule, that should I need to dress as a male for my work – such as I did last week when I went to York for 3 days then I must repay that time back by working fully in female attire.

However this is not on a 1 for 1 basis, each day of male attire requires 5 working days of repayment. So until the 2 of August I will be wearing a female skirted business suit, satin blouse, and 4 inch heels.  my underwear will be the same as always –  the only concession at the moment is that due to the weather Madam has kindly allowed me to forgo the foundation wear in favour of one of my Basques, but as always there will be stockings to be worn.

Rules are Rules!6231020833_8ef6eb416e_b